Dbee Robinson Artist - The Fat Struggling Menopausal Artist

Now that I have had time to breathe and reflect, I realise that when I said David was controlling, that could not have been further from the truth. Sometimes I struggle to find the right words. What I mean in my heart does not always come out the way I intend, and when I spoke before, I was hurting, confused, and very afraid. In that moment, my words came out wrong. The truth is, I loved my husband deeply, and I know he loved me too. What unsettled me recently was discovering that he had spoken to others about what he was doing with our joint finances, yet he had not spoken to me about it. That left me feeling vulnerable and unsure in a way I had never felt before. I had always trusted David completely, so I could not understand why he would share those things with others and not with me. In that confusion, I allowed myself to doubt things I should never have questioned. Looking back now, I understand more clearly. At one point in his life, everything he had worked for and owned was ta...

  Today was unbearable.  I forced myself out for lunch today just to get out of the house, as I could quite easily never leave and hide away forever. But I know that would not be good for me at all. Stupidly, I went to a place we liked and just sat there crying in the corner booth, hidden away from prying eyes, eventually having to leave.  The last time I did this, I was in the bank and saw an elderly couple sitting holding hands while they waited to see a clerk. My heart broke, and I had to leave. So I wonder if hiding away and not leaving the house is a better choice after all. dbee x

Today I finally plucked up the courage and picked up my David's ashes today.  It was a weird experience, and I felt strange carrying him back to the car.  We chose a 'water cushion' for his ashes ready for his memorial at sea, and it was heavier than I expected.  He is now in our spare room, which is also strangely weird. I still miss him terribly. I'm glad he is home at last. Much Love and Light dbee x