Posts

Image
Today I tried going out and about in Emsworth again. I only managed about five minutes before I had to find somewhere quiet and hide away. It made me realise that I need to share something honestly with everyone who has been so kind and supportive. First of all, I know how much people care, and I’m truly grateful for my friends and for all the kindness that’s been shown to me. It means more than I can say. I also understand that many people want to know more about what happened, and that comes from a place of concern. But I need to gently ask something of you. If you see me out and about, please don’t ask whether David knew how ill he was — he didn’t. Please don’t tell me how quick it all was — I know. And please don’t ask how I am. The truth is, I’m broken. What would really help me is something simple. Just say hello. Tell me it’s nice to see me. Share a small pleasantry that doesn’t bring me back to reliving those last horrific weeks over and over again. Every time I have to go thro...
Post a Comment
Read more

Why did I suddenly believe my David was controlling?

Image
Now that I have had time to breathe and reflect, I realise that when I said David was controlling, that could not have been further from the truth. Sometimes I struggle to find the right words. What I mean in my heart does not always come out the way I intend, and when I spoke before, I was hurting, confused, and very afraid. In that moment, my words came out wrong. The truth is, I loved my husband deeply, and I know he loved me too. What unsettled me recently was discovering that he had spoken to others about what he was doing with our joint finances, yet he had not spoken to me about it. That left me feeling vulnerable and unsure in a way I had never felt before. I had always trusted David completely, so I could not understand why he would share those things with others and not with me. In that confusion, I allowed myself to doubt things I should never have questioned. Looking back now, I understand more clearly. At one point in his life, everything he had worked for and owned was ta...
Post a Comment
Read more

Another unbearable day

Image
  Today was unbearable.  I forced myself out for lunch today just to get out of the house, as I could quite easily never leave and hide away forever. But I know that would not be good for me at all. Stupidly, I went to a place we liked and just sat there crying in the corner booth, hidden away from prying eyes, eventually having to leave.  The last time I did this, I was in the bank and saw an elderly couple sitting holding hands while they waited to see a clerk. My heart broke, and I had to leave. So I wonder if hiding away and not leaving the house is a better choice after all. dbee x
Post a Comment
Read more

How I will ever bear this weight around my heart

Image
  I am not sure how I will ever bear this weight around my heart. It's so heavy I may drown in my dark and deep sorrow. The fear another has cruelly created in me is magnifying my grief until it's all I can see, all I can feel, all that I know. A dark, crushing burden expanding day by day until I am lost in its mass of dread and horror. I am remembering a little more each day he has gone, and I am thrust back into oblivion. The more I try to push the pain away, the more I know I must let in the knowledge he has left me.  But it's too soon to let him go, I want to hold on to the thought he is still here, that he will hold me one more time, that I will wake up holding hands as we used to, that we will dance in our front room while he sings softly to me and that I will hear him laugh so outrageously at one of his favourite movies. But I know deep down these little acts of love are gone forever, as are all the things we used to do or say. I will never hear his last words to me ...
Post a Comment
Read more
Image
What is Love Love is not the blaze of passion, nor the sharp edge of longing. It does not demand, it does not keep score. Love is the quiet placing of your trembling heart into hands you trust more than your own. Love is gentleness when the world has turned cruel— the hush of your touch on my most frightened days, your steady voice when all I could hear was noise and harm. Love is giving all of yourself without ledger or bargain, and calling it joy. Love is never cruelty, never rage that lingers, never the cold shape of absence. It is the courage to be fragile, to let another guard what is most breakable in you. Love is knowing every quirk and shadow, and choosing them still. It is listening when weariness bows your head, the blanket drawn over my shoulders before I knew I was cold. Love is being received unchanged— and cherished beyond deserving. Love is not deceit. Not unkindness. Never small or shrinking. It is the holy risk of devotion, the way one soul...
Post a Comment
Read more

A weirdly strange day

Image
Today I finally plucked up the courage and picked up my David's ashes today.  It was a weird experience, and I felt strange carrying him back to the car.  We chose a 'water cushion' for his ashes ready for his memorial at sea, and it was heavier than I expected.  He is now in our spare room, which is also strangely weird. I still miss him terribly. I'm glad he is home at last. Much Love and Light dbee x
Post a Comment
Read more
Image
  Celebrating the Life of David Robinson - Eulogy David was the son of Vera and Cyril Robinson — though most people knew Cyril simply as Robbie. His early years were spent at his Nan’s and Uncle Pete’s house in Guildford. Uncle Pete was a stonemason, so naturally, David’s childhood playgrounds were graveyards. While other children had swings and slides, David had headstones and excellent company. One of these backed onto a railway line, and it was there he fell in love with steam trains — a lifelong passion that later saw him volunteering on the Mid Hants Watercress Railway. Most children grow out of their obsessions. David simply upgraded his. When the family moved to Denmead, David acquired a dog called Crusoe, whose hobbies included eating the carpet, running away on walks, and sitting in the middle of the road until the police brought him home. Asked why he still let him off the lead, David simply said, “Because Crusoe liked it.” That was David — happy to tolerate chaos if...
Post a Comment
Read more

I am adrift - Carrying a love that has nowhere left to land

Image
  I am adrift— a ship swallowed by fog on a furious sea, lashed by winds that do not know my name, punished for a storm I did not summon. A future I never chose has been forced into my hands. It's weight presses against my ribs, fills my lungs with saltwater grief, until breath itself feels borrowed. My heart labors beneath the heaviness, each beat an act of will, each step a quiet surrender. I want to hide within these walls, to close the doors against the world— and yet the house echoes without him. Shelter has become another kind of emptiness. I know he is gone. The truth arrives in waves, and each time it breaks over me, I turn my face away. My mind and heart war in the dark, tearing at what remains of me. Soon, I fear, I will not fight at all— I will simply exist, a hollow vessel drifting on indifferent tides. I am slipping beneath the surface now. There is no air here, only the deep pull of surrender, and I am so tired of swimming. No harbor light calls...
Post a Comment
Read more
Image
    Last year I wrote a story for a competition, sadly I did not win but I enjoyed the creative writing to a brief of 'Lost and Found'. It resonated with me as my solo exhibition in Penang was titled 'Lost and Found'. How would I know months later it would resonate with me on a more painful and personal level. I hope you enjoy reading it. No AI was not used for this story. The Gate - By Dbee Robinson   Submitted to The u3a short story competition - 06.10.25 There was a distant creaking sound, just on the edge of Jenny's consciousness; she’d heard it many times over the years, bringing her joy and making her smile. She rested on her favourite wooden bench next to the roses with her eyes shut and the summer sun on her face. Inhaling their heady aroma and absorbing the heat like a lazy lizard on a rock. Wishing for some peace of mind, but couldn’t deny her feelings and the anguish of what she had lost. They were raw, like festering open wounds, reminding her she was fe...
Post a Comment
Read more