Why did I suddenly believe my David was controlling?

Now that I have had time to breathe and reflect, I realise that when I said David was controlling, that could not have been further from the truth.

Sometimes I struggle to find the right words. What I mean in my heart does not always come out the way I intend, and when I spoke before, I was hurting, confused, and very afraid. In that moment, my words came out wrong.

The truth is, I loved my husband deeply, and I know he loved me too. What unsettled me recently was discovering that he had spoken to others about what he was doing with our joint finances, yet he had not spoken to me about it. That left me feeling vulnerable and unsure in a way I had never felt before. I had always trusted David completely, so I could not understand why he would share those things with others and not with me. In that confusion, I allowed myself to doubt things I should never have questioned.

Looking back now, I understand more clearly. At one point in his life, everything he had worked for and owned was taken from him. Knowing that helps explain why he became so careful and protective about money. I believe he was trying to make sure we would never face that kind of loss again.

I never touched our savings because they were meant for our retirement. When extra money was needed, I would ask, though it was not always forthcoming. Fortunately, I had some money put aside for extra expenses — Christmas and birthday presents for family, topping up the housekeeping for food, my car expenses, dentist bills, and other everyday needs.

Despite that, my David was a very giving man. He gave his time, his effort, and his love freely. I always felt loved by him, and my love for him had no bounds.

The only reason I recently felt he was controlling was that he handled the finances so closely — the pensions, savings, and money matters. When he passed away, and I realised that others knew more about those things than I did, I felt frightened and alone. That feeling came from grief and fear, not from the reality of who he was.

If anything, David supported me in everything I did. He never stopped me from doing anything. If I stepped back from certain things, it was usually because I simply wanted to spend more of my time with him.

Like any couple, we were not perfect, but we were probably as close to perfect as you can get. There were times when he did not always hear the things I asked for or needed. A small example that still makes me sad is that the hard drives containing photos of my parents were never downloaded, even though I asked many times. Yet if one of his boys asked for something, it often happened straight away. Sometimes I even asked them to ask him for me. Even so, those things were small in the wider picture of our life together, and I let them go because I loved him so very much.

What I remember most is how he made me feel — loved, wanted, cared for, and even beautiful on my worst days.

Now that he is gone, I feel broken, lost, and so very vulnerable. I feel cheated that we did not have more time together, and guilty that he worked so hard for our future, but is not here to enjoy it. I worked hard too, but at one point I even gave up a job I loved so we could move to Penang when he wanted to work abroad. He loved working overseas, and going there with him is something I would still choose again without hesitation. I would have followed him anywhere. If I could follow him now, I would. But I know he would want me to keep going. I hope he can see that I am trying my best.

I remember the day he once asked me, “If I turned up on your doorstep with a suitcase one day, what would you say?” I answered, “Where are you going?” I never imagined he meant moving in. At the time, I was going through a divorce and thought I was simply helping a friend. But within three days, I knew I did not want him to leave. He had my heart from then on.

He came into my life with very little. He had no money of his own because he was supporting his first wife and children. At the time, we believed I was the one saving him. Looking back now, I realise we saved each other, so he will forever be my hero.

There is a difference between loving someone and being in love, and I am still very much in love with him. That makes me feel incredibly blessed.

We would often wake up holding hands, so the hardest moment of each day now is waking up and realising his hand is no longer there holding mine.

But the love we shared did not disappear with his passing. It is part of who I am and always will be. I will carry that love with me for the rest of my life.

The deepest loves are unconditional and do not fade with time or loss — they simply become part of who we are.

And though he is no longer here to hold my hand, he will always hold my heart.

Dbee x