Dbee Robinson Artist - The Fat Struggling Menopausal Artist

  JAPAN 2026 — Finding My Way Back to Painting I have just completed all the drawings in the sketch pad I took with me to Japan, and somehow, finishing that last page feels rather more significant than I expected. I hope you enjoy looking through it as much as I enjoyed creating it. Japan 2026 was my escape trip. There were 17 of us in total, including our UK Tour Manager and local guide. I chose Japan quite deliberately. It was somewhere I had never been, and somewhere I knew I was unlikely ever to have visited before. Most importantly, it held no memories for me. After losing David, I found myself struggling to find my way back to the things I had always loved. Chinese brush painting had been such an important part of my life, but I had simply lost my heart for it. I couldn't seem to find the enthusiasm, the concentration or, perhaps most of all, the confidence to pick up my brushes and paint. I hoped that going somewhere completely new might give me some breathing space. And per...

  Today was unbearable.  I forced myself out for lunch today just to get out of the house, as I could quite easily never leave and hide away forever. But I know that would not be good for me at all. Stupidly, I went to a place we liked and just sat there crying in the corner booth, hidden away from prying eyes, eventually having to leave.  The last time I did this, I was in the bank and saw an elderly couple sitting holding hands while they waited to see a clerk. My heart broke, and I had to leave. So I wonder if hiding away and not leaving the house is a better choice after all. dbee x

  I am not sure how I will ever bear this weight around my heart. It's so heavy I may drown in my dark and deep sorrow. The fear another has cruelly created in me is magnifying my grief until it's all I can see, all I can feel, all that I know. A dark, crushing burden expanding day by day until I am lost in its mass of dread and horror. I am remembering a little more each day he has gone, and I am thrust back into oblivion. The more I try to push the pain away, the more I know I must let in the knowledge he has left me.  But it's too soon to let him go, I want to hold on to the thought he is still here, that he will hold me one more time, that I will wake up holding hands as we used to, that we will dance in our front room while he sings softly to me and that I will hear him laugh so outrageously at one of his favourite movies. But I know deep down these little acts of love are gone forever, as are all the things we used to do or say. I will never hear his last words to me ...

Today I finally plucked up the courage and picked up my David's ashes today.  It was a weird experience, and I felt strange carrying him back to the car.  We chose a 'water cushion' for his ashes, ready for his memorial at sea, and it was heavier than I expected, in more ways than you could imagine. He is now in our spare room, which is also strangely weird. I still miss him terribly. I'm glad he is home at last. Much Love and Light dbee x