My world has ended

 


It's true, my world ended Sunday, February 1st,  2026.

As I held my beautiful husband's hand, my David drifted away and left us all behind. I just cannot bear it. After losing my dear sister Lesley, I never believed I would ever feel this type of aching, raw pain in my heart again. But here it is, returned like a samurai with his mighty sword, cutting away the best part of my heart that my David held so gently in his hands. 

It's so surreal. Sleep has evaded me for weeks, but I managed to get a couple of hours last night. I awoke this morning hoping I had dreamt it all and he would again be there beside me, holding hands while we slept. When I realised the horrifying reality was true, I wished myself back to sleep; I did not want to wake up. I don't want to ever wake up if he is not beside me.

We found out 2 days before, on the 30th of January, that his illness was an aggressive form of colon cancer that had spread to his liver and lymph nodes. The yearly tests the NHS sent did not pick up this awfully cruel disease. There was no treatment, no cure, just palliative care.  We both sat in shock, hearing the words but not registering what they truly meant. Pain. Loss. Alone. Dispair. And a sadness that can never heal. I know this enemy we call Loss; I have met him many times before. But this time it is coming for me with a passion that is only rivaled by its opposite, Love.

On this day, a Dementor visited and took all the happiness out of me. I am empty, going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other, willing it not to be true, in denial, compartmentalising the reality into a box and nailing it shut, just so that I can get through the day.

I will never feel the same again. I will never be the same again.

My world ended Sunday, February 1st,  2026


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