Dbee Robinson Artist - The Fat Struggling Menopausal Artist

  It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions since November last year, and January was just hell. I am pretty much broken and feel I’m in a constant state of panic. However, every day I try to find a little bit of joy to help me through the week.  A coffee in a cafe, the sun on my face, cooking a delicious lunch, finding that perfect jacket when shopping with my Brother, seeing a friend, messages from my grandchildren, time in the garden, my lovely neighbour Mary popping round, listening to the early morning bird song, etc.  My American Sister is texting me hugs every day, and knowing my dearest friend, Barbra and her husband Gary, are there for me feels like a joyful safety net of love. My dear friend Richard in Mauritius messages every day, and I awake to a hello every morning, it is such a joy too.  Friday was pottery evening with my darling daughter Lisa, and although I really didn’t want to go out, time with her is always precious; she is always a joy to be around an...

  Today was unbearable.  I forced myself out for lunch today just to get out of the house, as I could quite easily never leave and hide away forever. But I know that would not be good for me at all. Stupidly, I went to a place we liked and just sat there crying in the corner booth, hidden away from prying eyes, eventually having to leave.  The last time I did this, I was in the bank and saw an elderly couple sitting holding hands while they waited to see a clerk. My heart broke, and I had to leave. So I wonder if hiding away and not leaving the house is a better choice after all. dbee x

  I am not sure how I will ever bear this weight around my heart. It's so heavy I may drown in my dark and deep sorrow. The fear another has cruelly created in me is magnifying my grief until it's all I can see, all I can feel, all that I know. A dark, crushing burden expanding day by day until I am lost in its mass of dread and horror. I am remembering a little more each day he has gone, and I am thrust back into oblivion. The more I try to push the pain away, the more I know I must let in the knowledge he has left me.  But it's too soon to let him go, I want to hold on to the thought he is still here, that he will hold me one more time, that I will wake up holding hands as we used to, that we will dance in our front room while he sings softly to me and that I will hear him laugh so outrageously at one of his favourite movies. But I know deep down these little acts of love are gone forever, as are all the things we used to do or say. I will never hear his last words to me ...

  It's true, my world ended Sunday, February 1st,  2026. As I held my beautiful husband's hand, my David drifted away and left us all behind. I just cannot bear it. After losing my dear sister Lesley, I never believed I would ever feel this type of aching, raw pain in my heart again. But here it is, returned like a samurai with his mighty sword, cutting away the best part of my heart that my David held so gently in his hands.  It's so surreal. Sleep has evaded me for weeks, but I managed to get a couple of hours last night. I awoke this morning hoping I had dreamt it all and he would again be there beside me, holding hands while we slept. When I realised the horrifying reality was true, I wished myself back to sleep; I did not want to wake up. I don't want to ever wake up if he is not beside me. We found out 2 days before, on the 30th of January, that his illness was an aggressive form of colon cancer that had spread to his liver and lymph nodes. The yearly tests the NH...