Dbee Robinson Artist - The Fat Struggling Menopausal Artist

  Today was unbearable.  I forced myself out for lunch today just to get out of the house, as I could quite easily never leave and hide away forever. But I know that would not be good for me at all. Stupidly, I went to a place we liked and just sat there crying in the corner booth, hidden away from prying eyes, eventually having to leave.  The last time I did this, I was in the bank and saw an elderly couple sitting holding hands while they waited to see a clerk. My heart broke, and I had to leave. So I wonder if hiding away and not leaving the house is a better choice after all. dbee x

  I am not sure how I will ever bear this weight around my heart. It's so heavy I may drown in my dark and deep sorrow. The fear another has cruelly created in me is magnifying my grief until it's all I can see, all I can feel, all that I know. A dark, crushing burden expanding day by day until I am lost in its mass of dread and horror. I am remembering a little more each day he has gone, and I am thrust back into oblivion. The more I try to push the pain away, the more I know I must let in the knowledge he has left me.  But it's too soon to let him go, I want to hold on to the thought he is still here, that he will hold me one more time, that I will wake up holding hands as we used to, that we will dance in our front room while he sings softly to me and that I will hear him laugh so outrageously at one of his favourite movies. But I know deep down these little acts of love are gone forever, as are all the things we used to do or say. I will never hear his last words to me ...

The Five Stages of Grief (Kübler-Ross Model) Denial :  A defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of loss, causing feelings of numbness or disbelief. Anger :  As denial fades, reality sets in, often bringing frustration, resentment, and a search for someone or something to blame. Bargaining :  An attempt to regain control or reverse the loss through "what if" or "if only" thoughts, often negotiating with a higher power or oneself . Depression :  A deep, overwhelming sense of sadness, loss, and loneliness. It is a normal reaction to intense pain, not necessarily a mental illness. Acceptance :  This stage does not mean the loss is "okay" or forgotten, but rather that it is acknowledged and the individual is beginning to move forward with their life.   I do not think I will ever get to stage 5. dbee :'(